Wednesday, 1 August 2018

Fears and Hopes for the Future

We can finally say our baby is due this month! Which is exciting and bat shit crazy in equal measures.

In the whirlwind that this year has been, I've barely had time to contemplate how our lives are going to change, what the future holds and the sheer madness of being in charge of a small human who is entirely dependent on us. Not scary AT ALL. I'm now a few days into my maternity leave and although I've been keeping myself busy so far, I've had time to think about everything a little bit harder.

Rather than keeping these thoughts in my head to slowly drive me insane, I'm indulging in a bit of therapy by getting them out on here. Hopefully I'll look back in a year or so and be feeling completely different, fingers crossed... If anything strikes a chord with you, do leave a comment or get in touch as it would be lovely to chat.

I am on the whole a very positive and calm person, my life motto is 'it'll be fine', and it always is. Whether it's a tiny issue at work or a massive life changing event, everything is always eventually fine. 

So let's start with the positive things, there are so many things I'm looking forward to and hoping for our little family of nearly three that outweigh the fears.

The Birth

I am weirdly looking forward to the birth! I started out being scared of the pain and how long labour will be but I think it's going to be the most empowering thing I've ever done. I think it will also be an incredible experience to go through with Joe, where we somehow bring a human who is half of each of us into the world. He is 100% staying away from the business end though FYI.

After going to a pregnancy yoga retreat in June (I would thoroughly recommend doing something like this if you get the chance) spending days focusing on being pregnant and chatting with other preggos put so many of my worries about the birth to rest. There was also a midwife on hand who worked with me on my birth plan and answered all of my questions that you just don't get time to ask in the short NHS appointments. I don't have a structured birth plan but we have things we'd like to do and drugs I'd like to avoid, but as long as the baby is healthy and safe, I will do whatever it takes.

Being a Family

I still haven't got my head round the fact that we'll go from being a couple to a family overnight but I'm really looking forward to the adventure we have ahead of us. No doubt this bringing up a child thing will test our relationships and change it massively but I'm sure it will make us stronger. We've been together a long time and know each other so well, I'm looking forward to meeting someone who is a bit of both of us.


A silly one but I'm really looking forward to decorating the baby's room properly! It's temporarily ready but once they've arrived, we can go to town! You can see what it looks like so far here.

Having Time

I've went from full time education straight into full time work so I've never had real time to find myself or whatever else you do on gap years. I'm really looking forward to spending time with our baby and being able to spend more time with friends and family without the pressure of work looming over me. Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% looking forward to going back to work after maternity leave but I'm definitely looking forward to some time at home getting my head round being a mother.


Oh I cannot bloody wait to have a massive glass of Malbec with a rare steak and a cheese board! I'm pretty sure I'll be off my face after half a glass but that is absolutely fine with me.


And now for the fears... I know I can't dwell on these too much and each one can be solved, some might just take a little while longer for me to come to terms with so writing them down acts as a bit of therapy for me and makes them seem less of an issue.

I am incredibly excited to become a mother (that still sounds so bizarre to me) and for us to start a family, but there are a few niggly fears that I can't shake. Some are purely emotional and some  entirely practical, at least there's a nice mixture to my anxiety!

The Baby

My absolute number one fear is that the baby won't be ok, it has been before we got pregnant and the whole time throughout. I'm not going to talk about this too much because I don't want to dwell on it and I'm sure it's the same for all expectant parents. All the way through the baby and I have been healthy and thankfully haven't had any problems so I have no real reason to worry too much but I think worrying is just part of the package now.

Post Natal Depression

I've never struggled with depression before, just the odd bout of anxiety but I am very aware of how stir crazy I get when I work from home for a day. Extrapolate that out to 9 months away from work and a screaming baby who relies solely on me, I'm a little bit concerned I might dive head first into post natal depression. Being the organised person I am, I've already spoken to my GP and have numbers of therapists who specialise in this area ready to call if I need to, just in case. Fingers crossed I won't have to!

My Body 

I'm sure every expectant mother worries about this and to be fair, it's pretty low on my list of fears. I've been lucky so far and managed to avoid stretch marks (I'm sure this will change!) and I haven't put on any weight other than the baby related weight (all down to not drinking wine) so I'm hoping it won't take too long to get back in shape. Let's be honest, I wasn't in amazing shape before so I'll take this as an opportunity to get healthy and fit with the baby!


Let's just say statutory maternity pay is not the one. The company I work for is amazing in so many ways but their maternity policy is not one of them. Statutory maternity pay is provided by the government and is around £145 a week which is quite a bit less than I'm used to... I've spent most of the day today working out my monthly budget, what bills I can afford to pay and what I have to ask Joe to take on. I feel a lot better after working it all out but I'm going to have to be very careful with money in the future. Thankfully I've saved up enough to top up the stat pay and get me through 9 months of maternity leave without having to make too many drastic changes like getting rid of my car but it's still going to be a massive worry for me.


Another one I'm sure a lot of mothers worry about but I am already concerned about going back to work and being respected in the same way I am now. I'm planning to go back part time and because ecommerce moves so quickly and is kind of all encompassing, I am worried about not being able to put as much of myself into work as I have done previously as I'll understandably have different priorities.

Because Joe works at the same company as me, I do also worry about me becoming out of touch with everything that's going on but hopefully he'll be able to keep me up to speed!

Losing Myself

I don't want to be someone who forgets about their personality and being a mother takes over, I want to be able to go out with friends and be happy to leave the baby with Joe or my mum. I am worried about becoming a bit of a hermit but I'm going to push myself to get back to normal(ish) once my body has recovered by making myself a timetable of activities like baby yoga, visiting family and just getting out of the house.

What I'm wearing: Dove Dress by Dancing Leopard (not maternity, I just sized up) and Ancient Greek Sandals

Simply writing them down feels like a weight has been taken off me! Consolidated into short paragraphs makes my fears feel less all consuming and the positives even more exciting. Our due date is the 30th of August but our baby could arrive any day now so I'm going to spend the little time I have before they arrive preparing myself for the above hopes and fears to put me in the best possible frame of mind.

Do leave a comment or get in touch if you have similar worries or have been through something similar after birth, I'm sure it's not just me who has these concerns!

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